The Office Refrigerator--------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2006-11-27, 1:40PM PST
This is a public service announcement to everyone who uses the refrigerator at the office. I have noticed the following and would like to propose an amicable solution so that we can all go back to pretending to get along with each other.
1. The office refrigerator is not your personal space to store your 20 frozen meals because you're too lazy to bring one from home every day. There's 50 people sharing one fridge, and many of us bring lunch to work and would like a place to put it. Please bring your “Smart Ones” (an oxymoron for you if I have ever heard one), one at a time like the rest of us.
2. There's a machine just down the hall with lots of cold beverages. Please get your bottles of water and pop out of the fridge. If you are wondering why some of them disappear occasionally, now you know. I was thirsty. That goes for you too oversized Brita pitcher lady.
3. Putting your name on things. I'm guessing this came from your college days where your deadbeat roommate would eat anything in the fridge and not pay you for half of it. I don't care how many times you put your name on that sandwich in the fridge. If it's there for more than a week, it's going in the trash. If you are a repeat offender, I might trash it after a day just for the fun of listening to you complain to everyone in the office about how someone keeps stealing your lunch.
4. Speaking of things left for more than a week, there are science experiments going on with certain things in the fridge. A fun experiment would be forcing you to eat whatever is in there. Alas, if you are looking for the person who threw away your prized tupperware, it was me. There's no chance I am cleaning it for you - get your stuff out of the fridge.
5. I know you had a wonderful time in Rome/Greece/Spain/London/Whereveristan, and I know it made you smile sending us that postcard from there while we were stuck here at office, but we don’t need reminder of your wonderful trip on the front of the refrigerator for months after you’re back. I hear they like to say arse over there – that’s where your postcard can go.
6. The front of the fridge is also not a place to post your little funny anecdotes, NY Times articles, Dilbert cartoons and Digg printouts. All it does is clog up the front of the fridge while some schmo is reading when I’m trying to get my lunch out. Send it by email if you have to share, just not to me.
7. I love potlucks as much as the next guy, and for the most part the food is good, except for you people who bring fucking pasta salads. There’s like 5 of them every potluck – how much pasta do you people eat? Newsflash, you have an obesity problem – switch to greens. But anyway, after every potluck the fridge is packed with everyone’s leftovers, and they stay there for weeks. Take your stuff home, especially that hummus, it stinks.
8. We are very fortunate to have a refrigerator with an ice maker here at the office. It would be nice if you didn’t fill up your gargantuan sports flask with ice every morning so the rest of us can have some ice before the afternoon. Also, the ice basket has a scoop right next to it, and it’s there for a reason. Use it.
9. No, the dry creamer for the coffee in the department is not good enough for you. You have to bring in your own milk or that foofy flavored creamer. That smell? It’s your dairy products spoiling. Go to Starbucks downstairs.
10. I know the fridge is packed full of stuff and lunches are everywhere, but if you have to move other people’s lunches in order to get to yours, can you please put it back on the shelf where it was originally? Otherwise, you end up looking endlessly for your lunch like an idiot.
On second thought, I’m going out to eat. Right after I throw away everything in the fridge.
Location: Your Office
